How to respond when behavior gets hard?

When one team member drains the whole team. 

Most leaders have experienced it. One person on the team disrupts the energy. Maybe they are always pushing back. Maybe they gossip, complain, or dominate meetings. Maybe they quietly undermine others or avoid responsibility.

It is rarely black and white. Often, the person is skilled, well-intentioned, or under pressure. But when the behavior goes unaddressed, the impact spreads: trust erodes, motivation drops, and good people start to disengage.

A healthy team culture is not built by accident. It is shaped by what we encourage, what we tolerate, and what we choose to address. When leaders set clear norms for communication, model respectful behavior, and respond quickly to unhelpful patterns, trust grows. Culture is not about perfection. It is about consistency. 

What the research shows

In a landmark study on incivility at work, Dr. Christine Porath and Dr. Christine Pearson found that even small moments of rudeness or negativity can have serious consequences. They surveyed over 14,000 employees across different industries. Two-thirds said their performance declined after experiencing uncivil behavior. Nearly half intentionally spent less time at work. Twelve percent actually left their jobs. Even those who merely witnessed poor behavior or are not the direct target, reported a sharp drop in focus, commitment, and collaboration.

In other words: one difficult person can unintentionally ripple through the team and damage performance far beyond their own role. For a comprehensive understanding of their findings and recommendations, you can access the full article here: The Price of Incivility – Harvard Business Review

A real example

A senior director I coached in a global industrial company was dealing with a team member we will call Alex. Alex was highly experienced and technically brilliant. But he constantly challenged decisions, interrupted colleagues, and derailed discussions with a sarcastic tone. His peers grew frustrated and started holding back in meetings.

At first, the director avoided addressing it directly. He hoped it would settle down. Things got worse. Projects started stalling because no one wanted to confront Alex, and others were silently checking out.

When we explored the situation together, the leader realized Alex had been through a lot of change in a short period. His role had been redefined twice in six months, and some of his responsibilities had been handed to newer hires. He felt overlooked and unsure of his future. His resistance was not defiance, but it was rather fear disguised as control.

The leader met with him one-on-one. He named the behavior in specific terms, asked how Alex was experiencing the change, and listened without defensiveness. They worked together to clarify his role, expectations, and contribution going forward.

Over the next few weeks, the tone shifted. Alex was still direct, but less confrontational. The team began to open up again. Trust took time to rebuild, but it happened.

Five top tips for leaders managing a difficult team member:

1. Start with curiosity, not judgment Look beneath the surface. Difficult behavior is often a sign of unspoken stress, fear, or misalignment. Ask what might be driving it.

   
   

2. Name the behavior, not the person Use specific, observable facts. This lowers defensiveness and opens space for dialogue. Stick to what you’ve seen or heard, not assumptions about intent.

   
   

3. Set clear expectations together Collaboratively define how you want to work as a team. What does respectful disagreement look like? How are decisions made? Clarity removes confusion.

   
   

4. Offer support, but stay accountable Ask what they need to do better, and be ready to help. But make it clear that patterns must change. Kindness and firmness can go hand in hand.

   
   

5. Safeguard the team If the behavior does not shift, you must act. Allowing one person to repeatedly harm the group sends a signal that results matter more than respect.

Final thought

As leadership thinker Patrick Lencioni put it: “It is not the smartest people who build the best teams. It is the ones who have the courage to call out behavior that doesn’t serve the group.”

Being a leader means handling the hard stuff. Not with blame, but with clarity, consistency, and care.