How can "being nice" quietly kill psychological safety?

A myth-busting series #1/6

In the past few years, psychological safety has become one of the most talked-about terms in leadership and team development. But like many popular concepts, it’s often misunderstood and even misused. So let’s start with the basics:

What is psychological safety?

Psychological safety is the shared belief that a team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking. It means people feel free to speak up, ask questions, admit mistakes, challenge decisions, or share concerns. Without fear of embarrassment, rejection, or punishment.

In psychologically safe environments:

• People learn faster, because they surface problems earlier.

• Teams collaborate better, because trust is real, not performative.

• Innovation thrives, because dissent isn’t shut down. It’s welcomed.

As Harvard professor Amy C. Edmondson (who coined the term) puts it:

“It’s not about being nice. It’s about being real.”

And that’s where the confusion begins. Many leaders assume psychological safety means everyone should be agreeable, pleasant, and conflict-free. That’s comforting, but it’s wrong. In this six-part series, I’ll bust the most persistent myths around psychological safety and show what it really looks like in healthy, high-performing teams.

Myth #1: psychological safety means everyone is nice

At first glance, this sounds positive. Who wouldn’t want to work in a team where people are kind, polite, and agreeable? But in reality, over-niceness can be dangerous.

In “nice” teams:

• Hard truths go unspoken.

• Disagreement is seen as disloyalty.

• Mistakes are brushed under the carpet.

• People nod in meetings—and whisper their concerns in hallways.

This is not psychological safety. It’s false harmony. A symptom of conflict avoidance, which often stems from fear of disapproval or rejection.

As Edmondson and Michaela J. Kerrissey write in their Harvard Business Review article What People Get Wrong About Psychological Safety:

“Candor matters more than comfort.”

For all non-native English speakers (including myself), I like to add a proper definition of candor. It means speaking openly, honestly, and directly without hiding your thoughts or pretending. It’s about telling the truth in a respectful way, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Another way of explaining it is:

Candor is when someone tells you what they really think, clearly and kindly. Not to hurt you, but to help you. It’s the opposite of pretending everything is okay when it’s not.

Let's even contrast it with "niceness":

• Niceness: “I won’t say what I really think because I don’t want to upset you.”

• Candor: “I will say what I think, because I respect you and I want us to grow.”

You get the difference, right? 

The research: Nice doesn’t mean safe

Google’s renowned Project Aristotle studied 180+ teams to uncover what drives team effectiveness. The #1 factor? Psychological safety. What surprised many: the most effective teams were not the nicest. They were the most honest. People challenged ideas, spoke up about concerns, and admitted what they didn’t know. That honesty built trust. And that trust fueled results.

Real-world insight: Netflix’s “No brilliant jerks” rule

Netflix is known for its high-performance culture, but also for radical candor. Their culture memo states:

“We don’t tolerate brilliant jerks, because the cost to teamwork is too high.”

But make no mistake. This doesn’t mean everyone is soft-spoken or agreeable. Feedback is open, blunt, and frequent. What makes it safe is respect and trust. Not avoidance of discomfort. Their culture teaches people to speak up and listen well.

Top tips for leaders to move from “Nice” to “Real”:

1. Model truth-telling. Admit your own mistakes and ask for feedback, especially when it’s uncomfortable.

2. Normalize disagreement. When someone challenges you, thank them. Show that pushing back is a form of care, not conflict.

3. Create ‘permission rituals’. Start meetings by explicitly inviting diverse views or naming the elephant in the room.

4. Coach for clarity, not kindness. Encourage feedback that’s honest, specific, and focused on improvement. Not just on being “supportive.”

5. Debrief tensions. If there’s friction, don’t gloss over it. Process it. Use it as a learning opportunity to deepen trust.

Bottom line: Psychological safety isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about making it safe to be honest. That takes courage, not kindness. And candor, not consensus.

Next up in the series: Myth #2 – “Psychological safety means you always get your way.” Hint: It’s not about being agreed with. It’s about being heard.

If you want to develop your leadership style or want more safety in your team, and could use the support and accountability of a coach to that end, reach out for a no-obligation coaching consultation.

Warm regards,

Tjessica Stegenga

Leadership & Team Coach